Preparing for my hardest role yet

I like change when it’s on my own terms. I’m sure many people can relate. I like having a predictable routine that lends itself to some stability. That’s mainly why I’m terrified of having this child.

Children are messy and loud and needy. You know who else is messy and loud and needy? Myself (and my dog, but I’ve kind of gotten her agenda down). The closer I get to D-Day (Delivery Day) the more freaked out I get. I’m afraid because I know my entire routine will change, and it will probably change more than once. I’m going to be a slave/milk-machine to this baby and it feels heavy.

I’ve been having frightening nightmares lately and I think it stems from my anxiety and worries that I will fail in my new role as a mother. I know that very little will be about me anymore, and that terrifies me. And this is coming from someone who does NOT like to be in the limelight.

I’m also in excruciating pain. Baby boy has moved down lower in preparation for D-Day and it’s hard to walk/sit/breathe/exist. When I’m in pain (or hungry) I take it out on everyone around me. I’m afraid that those first few weeks/months I’m going to be so sleep deprived and not used to the aches of new motherhood that I am going to take it out on my loved ones and hold some sort of resentment to my Butterball.

I also do not want to stop looking hot. I’m sorry—but I don’t. I love having me time. Time to do my hair and makeup is so important to me. I also value a long, hot shower. I love fashion, and I want to be able to replicate “Pinterest Goals.”

As much as I’m complaining there is one thing I worry about the most—that my child won’t understand how much I love him.

I’ve loved him from the moment I knew he was in my belly. His first ultrasound, the first time I heard his heartbeat, his first movements, I cried at all of them because my heart was filled with so much love and joy.

I’m definitely worried to be giving up a lot and changing a lot. This pregnancy has been extremely difficult. I never want my son to hear me complain as much as I am venting right now. I want him to know that he is very much loved and that is it.

Motherhood is not for everyone, and that’s okay. I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. Even with that said, I’m still terrified and dreading this major life change to an extent. And I wish more moms would be honest about that. But I will always do my best to make sure he knows everything I do now is for him and I don’t regret him being here one bit.

Happy life changes and see y’all soon

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Me at 33 weeks pregnant

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